Sailing in the Bermuda Triangle of Comparison

In the morning, my friends and I packed our lunches and set out to the library. There was a lot left to study, and everything that I studied was slipping out of my mind, like water through a sieve. I say my before-exam-catch phrase to J, "Can you please push me out that window?" and J sighs and replies every time with, "Give me a second, let me finish reading this paragraph."

It's the day before an exam. I remember looking out that window and wishing I was the bird sitting on the tree branch outside. The bird didn't sign up to study the course, the bird didn't have an exam the next day, and the bird could do whatever it liked.

"Don't compare yourself to others," people say. Trust me, I know. I've compared my life to a tiny sparrow and still managed to lose.

Comparison helps us make sense of the world. Be it places to eat, stock market returns, academic qualifications or blood pressure results, the list is endless. When I thought about this, I identified the three points forming the Bermuda Triangle of comparison which ultimately sinks us.

Point A: Comparison with Others

If I draw a line, one can't describe it as long or short without the presence of another line to which it can be compared. We compare ourselves to others to understand who we are and our place in society. How could we stop comparing ourselves to others when it is interlinked with our very sense of identity?

I learnt about the illusory superiority when watching a show called '100 Humans' on Netflix. One hundred people were gathered together in a place where they could see each other. They were asked if they thought they were amongst the best-looking half in the room. 74 out of the 100 thought they were in best-looking half. The other 26 were moved out of the room. The 74 people were then asked the question again. 65 people thought they were part of the best-looking half. This means 65% of the people believed they were in the top 37%. People tend to overestimate their abilities in comparison to others.

When we compare ourselves to people who possess attributes that we desire, we tend to feel bad. This might either contradict our beliefs about ourselves (if you are like the 74 people who thought they looked good) or it might give you more evidence of your undesired quality (if you are like the 26 people who thought they didn't look good enough). It might sometimes invoke a sense of superiority and narcissism if you are deemed the 'best'.

Ranking people and trying to place oneself in this system is a deeply problematic way of thinking. Not only is it never going to be accurate but it is also variable depending on which room one is placed in. You might be the smartest or prettiest in one room, and be the dumbest or ugliest in another. It also degrades a human being with a multi-factorial life to one single attribute. No one has to earn their place in society by being better than anyone. I wish parents and schools reinforce this more.

We often read one chapter of a person's story and assume that the whole book would be a pleasure to read. How could we compare lives when we're all playing a different game, juggling different problems, balancing very different responsibilities and capabilities?

I watched a TED talk by a university student, Manto. He moved to pursue higher education in France instead of getting a well-paid job in Hong Kong. He said, "Maybe people at home might have better careers, but I have better pain au chocolat."

If our goal in life is to be happy, then success should also be measured based on how happy we are. Your life becomes the story that you tell yourself, and you can change the narrative at any point in time.

Point B: Comparison to a Lost Dream

Emily Perl Kingsley wrote an essay on raising a child with Down's syndrome. She describes planning for a child's arrival as planning a trip to Italy. You might be very excited, might make plans, and maybe even learn a little Italian. But when the flight lands, you discover that you're in Holland. You might grieve the idea of not being able to go to Italy, especially when you see others living that dream that was once yours. Now, you might need to learn a new language and make new plans. But if you live your life comparing your life to the vision that you had for yourself, you might miss the windmills and the tulips that Holland has to offer.

Sometimes we are too caught up in these paths that we have built for ourselves in our head, that any deviations cause us anxiety and self-doubt. Maybe it is not your chosen path, but it could still be the one that leads you to a destination that is right for you. This is something I struggle with sometimes, but it is very relieving to sit back and enjoy life's art of storytelling.

Frank Ocean was asked how he managed to only produce music when he liked. He said, "You just have to be comfortable making less money." You might have different versions of your life that you've built in your head that are better than the version you're living right now. But this whole idea is skewed because to pick up something, you have to put something else down. Maybe you are comparing yourself to a dream of being richer to build a better life for your daughter. But if the dream became your reality, you might be spending very little time with your daughter. Frank Ocean might seem independent or very much in love with what he does but the price he pays for that is settling for less money than what he could potentially make.

This is your game. It helps to recognise what is important to you. This might change in different stages of your life, but it is important to recognise this, whilst trying to minimise what the world tells you that you want.

Point C: Comparison of Time Periods

When I was going through a difficult time, I couldn't shake the thought about how good my life had been a few months previously. I was comparing my own life to how it was before and I was longing to re-live it. "What if I have already lived out the best time of my life?"

My friend agreed and said it was a possibility. But she also said, "If you've never had the best best burger, you'd think the best burger that you've had is the best best burger." Not every burger is going to be the best one but that is okay because the only way you'll know a burger is good is if you've had a few bad burgers, a few average burgers, and a few really good burgers.

You can't skip chapters, however painful it might be, you have to read every line, every word. A good story must have a rising action, a falling action, a climax and a resolution. Life is meaningful only because it ends. The only way you can truly appreciate joy is through knowing what pain is.

Conclusion

J and I study in cafes now, we study with our friends, we plan better and I realise studying was never the problem. My comparison, and therefore my fear of the results were. We just needed to focus on the process rather than on the output. I don't lose to sparrows anymore. We don't have to sink in the Bermuda Triangle. Maybe there's a way to sail through. Comparison can be a very useful learning tool. All of us aim to be happy. Not rich, not popular, not smart, not thin, not beautiful. We all want to be happy. None of the other factors would matter if one is happy. By recognising what our emotions are every day, and through constant comparison of our emotions, we can learn to be more happy than we were yesterday. What could be changed in your life to make it more fun? If nothing can be changed, maybe we could change the narrative.