Can You Hear It In the Silence?
It has been a busy couple of days. Watching both the sunrise and the sunset on the commute to and from hospital placement. In the morning when I wake up, and when I go to sleep at night, I find myself fighting sleep. It feels like I am living my dream. My family, my friends, my ID that lets my through the hospital doors, my ability to drive, this website- they're all my dream come true. Love and admiration for my life was the loudest in the quiet.
I am extroverted, my presence known through sound before sight. I've had a revelation a few months ago that sometimes I speak to escape the deafening silence. Silence in the presence of another beating heart is a privilege which stamps my closeness to them. From the song, 'Good Intentions', I love the line- "Why is the silence so loud?"
Silence demands to be heard and it speaks volumes.
- During the 2023 Cricket World Cup finals, Australia was playing against India. The Australian captain was asked, "How does it feel like to play in the home country of the opposing team when the whole stadium would cheer for them?"
"It is very satisfying when the crowd goes completely silent when we smash it," He replied. Australia won the World Cup. - Two years ago, a patient cried in front of me for the first time. A doctor I looked up to, one at the top of his field, gave a difficult diagnosis to the patient and left to arrange for the patient's surgery. I was left alone with the patient. I only heard my heartbeat, and my thoughts were racing. I didn't know what to do. I knew what to do with friends or family if they were upset because I wasn't bound by professional standards, mistakes are more tolerable, and I always had an opportunity to revisit the situation. But in front of me now was a man twice my age and size, a person who was deeply hurt, and was a person who I probably would never see again. I had one chance to get this right.
I remembered a consultation skill that we are taught, called the 'Golden Minute'. It means, 'just shut up for a minute'. So, that is what I did. My thoughts slowed down once I stopped hunting for words that eluded me. I sat with the patient and bore witness to the moment.
I realised through moments like this, given the choice, I'd like to be a good doctor before being a great one. - 'Francis Ha' is a 2012 black and white comedy drama film, and there is a concept from the movie that I came across a couple of years ago. It is so beautiful, when in a party, you look across the room to your loved one, and you catch each other's eyes and both of you smile. That is your person in this life. In that brief moment of silence, exists a small world, and a whole different dimension that is only perceived by the pair of you.
Earlier this week, there were around eight of us sat, crowded around a small table in the hospital eating our lunch before we had to go back into the wards. Everyone was chatting excitedly, making fun of each other and complaining about their placement. I excused myself to the toilet, and I could hear their faint chattering in the background. When I was walked back to the noise, marking their recognition of my face, was their silent nods or smiles as I sat back down on my chair. Every now and then, I tend to appreciate the silent recognition. There's a certain beauty in it.
When I walk into my parent's house after two weeks at university, my mum comes downstairs to the door running, and my dad rushes to my car to get my bags and the house suddenly becomes loud. I like the fuss, who wouldn't? But it makes me ache that the noise only exists because my presence in the house has become a novelty. Flash back to six years ago, I'd walk into the same house and nobody would blink an eye because I came home every evening. The silent recognition. I try to appreciate it more because one day the recognition might not be silent. - I grew up with a sister who is only three years younger than me. This inevitably means fights and arguments were everyday happenings in the household. My sister has taught me to possess heights of anger that I didn't even know existed. I used to have an emotional reaction, and we would both go running to our parents to complain. No resolution usually came out of this, until I realised a strategy.
In the popular sit-com 'How I Met Your Mother', Lily and Marshal are a couple who press 'pause' during an argument. They pause it, and revisit it at a different time. It seemed really odd, but I wanted to give that a try.
Once in a heated argument with my sister, she appeared to be winning. I just smiled, and said "Okay."
Exactly one moment of silence later, she says, "I'm sorry. Have I upset you?"
There are times when our voices need to be heard, because the silence would conceal the screams of many. But maybe, sometimes, silence is the only way to win the war. Because maybe in this silence, you'll realise what the war is really for.
One of the showers in our flat is broken, forcing four of us to share one. I've been trying to wade through endless content before my final exams in a few months ('trying' is the key word). I've been asking everyone if I looked pregnant, after a nurse assumed I was one of the pregnant ladies in the antenatal clinic (I was wearing a big coat and a scarf). I had to change into loose fitting trousers in the toilets after stuffing my face in a buffet on my 23rd birthday (which fed into my belief that I look pregnant). I sought recluse in the silence to admire the beauty in this chaos.
This silence demanded to be heard, but I'm back.
