Is All Fair in Love and War?

I had always thought that love was supposed to be easy. I believed friendships and relationships are supposed to be easy, natural. If the relationship requires more work, then there is an issue with compatibility, even if the parties involved deeply care for one another. In situations like this, I've always told myself, "Shake hands, walk away." My recent experiences suggest that, that notion about relationships is a reflection of how fortunate I am, rather than a reflection of my maturity and understanding.

I've had my differences, arguments and fights with the people I love. Trust me, I've got a sister. Thanks to her, I discover new heights of wrath that I didn't even know I could possess. Recently, we had a fight.

My sister is really funny. She is an unpaid editor to this website, where a huge part of her role is to boost my confidence and break it down just enough so I don't become arrogant. I can always count on her to give me her honest opinion. Now that I have cushioned the blow a little, my sister has a short fuse. This was the root cause of our fight.

There's an ideology that I came up with after reading 'Divergent'. The story is based in a dystopian society where the government tries to control the minds of people using a serum. Tris' friend Will chases her to kill her (under the influence of the serum), and Tris shoots him. Will dies and she is crippled with regret. The same incident happens again with her boyfriend (Tobias) in a different setting. When they're fighting, she hands the the gun to Tobias, to show him who the real enemy is.

If I'm in an argument with a loved one, I try to remind myself that they're not the enemy. Let's think about it logically, I have two obvious possibilities. If they shoot me, I'll be hurt. But if I shoot them, I'll still be hurt. Either way, I'm going to lose. The only option with a chance of winning is to lower my guard. I'm going to put my gun down, and pray that they see that I'm not the enemy either.

My short-fused sister shot me.

I tried the "shake hands, walk away" policy, because this was yet another evidence that we were not compatible. I didn't speak to her for a couple of weeks. During this time, I was listening to a song by The Cab, called 'Angel with a Shotgun'. I like this particular line in the song- "Before you start a war, you better know what you're fighting for." It required significant energy to not talk to her, so what was it that I was fighting for?

Yeah, well. Turns out, I am just very dramatic. She reacted because I triggered her insecurity. Her reaction caused my reaction of acting like a martyr and not talking to her. So, if you really think about, the root cause is not her short-fuse, but it is living with someone for eighteen years. She isn't the enemy, insecurities and both our negligence to them are.

Compatibility means the state in which objects can exist in without conflict. But I think any system develops by recognising and resolving conflicts. So, maybe compatible people alter their states in response to conflict to suit each other better. Compatibility isn't a state, it is a work in progress.

I realised, when you love someone, you give them the gun that they have in their hand in the first place. Most of us, give them the gun hoping it will never be fired, maybe some of us give it knowing it'll be fired. Truth is, whether you like it or not, the gun will be fired at some point. Moving forward from this Valentine's Day, let's try and remember what it is that we're fighting for and who the enemy really is.