How I Met The Love of My Life

How I Met The Love of My Life
Photo by Diego PH / Unsplash

2010:

I was fascinated by my mother's successes. I would watch her give her all at work, then come home to do the same for us as the words "Hard work always wins" bounced around as the screensaver on her laptop.

2018:

I used to watch YouTube videos of people studying with a candle lit up, colourful stationeries lined up, and a nice view out the window. I would laugh, looking down on them thinking, "They have made studying into a performative art." I just need my laptop and headphones.

2020:

I got the grades and got into medical school. That was the only validation I needed to know I was living life well.


Imagine feeling cold and you turn up the heating, but you still feel cold. So, you turn up the heating more and more. Eventually, you will realise that your body isn't regulating temperature. It doesn't matter how high the temperature is in your room, if you are ill, your hands will tremble.

I would shake my head, and kick myself. "I have everything that I have ever wanted. How could I not be ecstatic? What is wrong with me?"

I realised whilst I loved my life, I didn't like myself. I blamed myself for every little mistake, sacrificed eating and sleeping because I was too busy, and gave my time away to everyone who needed it, but never to myself.

A few years ago, I wasn't eating very well and I visibly lost a lot of weight. My mother pleaded, "I gave you the responsibility of taking care of my baby. Why are you doing this to her?"

I laughed and told her she was being melodramatic.

Self-care is a concept that was lost on me. I never really did much for myself just for the joy of it.

I never went shopping for clothes on my own, but I would spend a whole day going to different shops to find the perfect dress for my mother. I never gave myself the evening off without feeling guilty about not studying, but I was always happy to walk out of classes when my grieving friend phoned me.

I realised I was playing for everyone's team but my own. I was abusing myself verbally, emotionally and sometimes through neglect.

In the middle of 2023, there came a point when I couldn't keep up. I was falling apart mentally. I forgot names, I felt anxious all the time, and I snapped at my family.

My counsellor said to me, "You can't pour from an empty cup. Make sure you fill your cup up first."

I branded 2024 as 'The Rehabilitation Year'. I learnt to cook, started going to the gym, I journaled and I learnt to understand myself and what I was feeling. This, I believe is essential when it comes to living a good life.

I attended an interview recently, and I didn't know the answer to a few questions. Usually, I would spend days repenting. It truly surprised me when I told my friend- "I know what I bring to the table. If the interviewers didn't see that today, that is fine. It doesn't mean I am not good for the job."

That was one of the first times I had backed myself, and I immediately felt good. Not only had I said those words of support to myself, but I truly meant it.

I ended up getting the job.

Viktor Frankl, an Austrian psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor said, "Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom."

Whatever the stimulus, the response should be kind to those around us, but especially to ourselves. One is less likely to put up with toxic relationships and situations if they look after themselves like they would a loved one.

Initially, the concept was foreign and I needed to ask myself the questions, "You wouldn't starve your baby, why are you starving yourself?", "You wouldn't let your sister be treated this way, why are you putting up with this?", "You wouldn't speak to your friend that way, why are you speaking to yourself like that?"

I came across this quote on Instagram that articulates my thoughts on this matter, "If you are not the love of your own life, then what's the point? You don't have to be the only one, but you've got to be at least one of them. If it's not you who hangs the moon and draws the stars and orders your favourite coffee, you will be waiting. And you do not deserve to wait. You. You are the love of your life."

In 2018, I cringed at anything that wasn't functional. I considered myself superior and intellectual. I prioritised results and told myself that the journey was meant to be difficult. I didn't dare indulge in mindfulness and self-care. I realise now that 'birds born in a cage think flying is an illness.'

The following steps helped set me free. I appreciate that everyone is different but if you can relate to any aspect of this post, do give them a try-

  1. Journaling- You don't have to journal every day. It can just be when you are upset. Penning your thoughts down creates a physical distance between you and your problems and it allows you to think clearly. Buy a nice notebook (I recommend Moleskine notebooks, they are worth the price), and invest in pens you would enjoy using. Make the process pleasurable.
    Click here to read my post about journaling.
  2. Prioritising alone time- I allocated 20 minutes every morning to drink my hot chocolate and read. It doesn't have to be reading, it can be anything that you enjoy doing. This will give you the motivation to wake up. I also reserve 1 hour before I sleep for this.
  3. Planning- I started writing out my plans on a whiteboard for the week. Then every morning, I'd plan out my day on Google calendar or write them out on my planner.
  4. Making the process enjoyable- Think about what you can do to make the process fun. Bring snacks to the library, go to the gym with your friends, and listen to music you enjoy whilst doing laundry. I started manufacturing ways where I could find joy in the journey.
  5. Crossing hurdles by planning for worst-case scenarios- What helps me get through issues in my spiralling mind is imagining the worst-case scenario of the problem I am facing and coming up with a plan to tackle it. This way, however undesirable a situation may be, I know I am prepared. This made me feel like I could rely on myself. 

I was brought up with the belief that New Year's resolutions are pointless because we can make changes at any point during the year. But I do think December is a good time to reflect on the year that has passed to hopefully make the following year better.

It's time we start showing up for the true love of our life. I hope 2025 holds the plot twist you've been waiting for.